Good Salsa Gone Bad

A couple of weeks ago, I learned a valuable and decidedly painful lesson about Chipotle hot salsa, physics, and splatter patterns.

It turns out that if you inadvertently drop one of those little plastic cups of salsa from about waist high, it will bounce and ultimately spray your recliner, ottoman, coffee table, end table, love seat and your beagle.

Said beagle will then - despite your repeated admonitions and pleas - will begin lapping up said Chipotle hot salsa as quickly as his little tongue will lap. Of course, the speed at which a beagle can greedily collect hot salsa - or any condiment, really - will far exceed the speed which his tongue will send a message to his brain indicating that said substance is tasty, but painful.

While you're madly trying to wipe up and spray your carpet and upholstery with cleaner, your beagle will then start to whine - cry, really - and look at you as if you made his tongue burn with the heat of one thousand suns, rather than blaming his selfish desire to abscond with free salsa. Of course, he'll then want to go outside and eat poop, or whatever beagles eat in place of sour cream when they get into something too spicy.

So, with the aforementioned beagle wiped down and now outside, you'll begin using your Little Green Machine carpet and upholstery cleaner and a gallon of Resolve to clean up this mess that is putting a serious cramp into your peaceful afternoon of NFL Red Zone and napping. 

You'll soon learn that even though no more than an ounce or two of salsa was involved, an ounce or two of salsa can create an amazing spray pattern. In addition to the previously mentioned furniture, carpet and beagle, you'll find it on various sofa pillows, your child's books and toys (the ones he should've put away) your blanket, the walls, the legs of your Levis and who knows what the <bleep> else.

In the end, you'll have cleaned most of the living room floor, your ottoman, the love seat and the dog. You'll also ponder a bit on just how you came up with some of the swear word combinations that you uttered while cleaning up said mess. Some of them were epic. Maybe you should have written them done. True inspiration like that doesn't come around often.

I wonder if that Luminol stuff that police spray around to find blood splatters would help me find any rogue drops of Chipotle salsa that escaped my vigorous and protracted cleaning attempts? I think I still have a black light left over from my college years around here somewhere.

It might be nice to use said black light to do something other than light up my groovy dorm room Led Zeppelin poster.