You Can't Beat His Meat...

After reading this article, I felt that someone needed to tell the rest of the story...

ALIQUIPPA, Pa. - "She can't beat my meat!" shouted William Neugebauer as he was led out of a packed western Pennsylvania courthouse.

The 51-year-old Neugebauer was convicted Friday of a class B felony count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and a class D felony recklessness endangerment charge. A public drunkenness charge was dismissed.

Neugebauer was arrested August 9, 2013, several hours after police say he bludgeoned his 50-year-old wife, Wendy Neugebauer, with his frigid meat.

Police say Wendy Neugebauer was struck repeatedly about the rib cage area by an enraged William Neugebauer who was wielding his frozen meat like a cudgel.

William told the court that struck his wife because she insisted on trying to beat his meat, despite repeated requests that she keep her hands to herself.

Said Wendy Neugebauer, "When we were first hitched, Billy used to unwrap his meat whenever we were together, and I would beat it silly. We were so in love."

Wendy said William had gotten extremely protective of his meat in recent years.

Wendy says his over protective nature when it comes to his meat stems from an unfortunate 2007 incident in which Wendy ground William's meat a little too coarsely.

"Since then," said a tearful Wendy Neugebauer, "his meat has been a frigid as a well-digger's ass in November."

Police said on the day she was assaulted, a horny Wendy Neugebauer allegedly tried to unwrap William's meat while he was sleeping.

When William awake, he allegedly pummeled his wife of 28 years while repeatedly yelling, "You can't beat my meat!"

Said one shocked juror who asked not to be identified, "This was one of the most horrific cases of meat beating I've ever heard of."

William Neugebauer faces 8-20 years on the felony assault charge, and up to four years on the reckless endangerment charge.

Superior Court 3 Judge Richard C. Poon set sentencing for 11 a.m. October 5.

In the time since the flogging incident, Wendy Neugebauer has recovered from her injuries, save for a wicked case of freezer burn.

"It just hurts, you know," said Wendy Neugebauer as a single tear trailed down her cheek. "On cold mornings, I can still feel my sides burning from the cold. I may never eat - or beat -meat again."