Bacon - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore...

Bacon in the Wild

In honor of International Bacon Day tomorrow, I give you my Top 10 bacon-inspired products the world needs to have soon. Patents are pending, so don't even think about trying to Bogart these ideas for yourself:

10. Bacon-scented pepper spray. It still packs a punch, but leaves the satisfying taste of thick cut, smoked bacon that lingers well after your eyeballs have melted from your skull.

9. Bacon mousse. Not the kind you eat; the kind I used in the 80s to control my big hair. A gentle bacon scent would be a natural attractant and the added bacon grease would give you that Jheri Curl sheen.

8. Bacon-flavored toothpaste. Dentists say many adults, particularly men, do not brush long enough to effectively ward off cavities. Think of how much more enjoyable scrubbing those pearly whites would be if you got a hit of hickory smoked pig belly for your trouble.

7. Bacon-scented catalytic converter. As you motor heads know, a catalytic converter is a vehicle emissions control device that converts toxic byproducts of combustion in the exhaust of vehicle motors to less toxic substances. So, why not add the eye-opening scent of fresh cooked bacon. Instead of smelling like armpits, our urban areas would all smell like Bob Evans.

6. Bacon bug repellent. It's a proven fact that mosquitoes and other stinging insects hate the smell of bacon (and if it's not previously proven, it is now). Hormel's 100% DEET, Maple-Cured Bacon Repellent would be a welcome addition to any Canadian fishing or hunting expedition.

5. Bacon lozenges. Have a cold? Throat feeling scratchy? Reach for Hall's Thick Cut, Pepper Bacon lozenges to take the sting out of that sore throat and leave you with the "everything's gonna be alright" feeling that only dead, fried pig fat can give you.

4. Bacon lip gloss. Let's face it ladies, sometimes it's hard to get your man to take notice of you, especially during football season. You change your hair, cook his favorite food, and even wear undergarments containing lesson cotton found on a Q-Tip. And yet, he still doesn't seem to notice you. Apply a little Emge's BaconBelly LipSmacker and lay one on your man. The smell of morning fresh bacon sizzling in a cast iron pan will bring him back again and again. Item #1 below is the perfect complement.

3. Bacon scented morning breath eliminator. Worried that your morning breath could stun a team of oxen in its tracks? Feeling randy at sun up, but don't want to subject your lover to your dragon breath? Keep a discrete canister of BaconBlast in your nightstand or under your pillow. One tiny spray and you'll vanquish that chronic halitosis. Instead of your breath smelling like the inside of of a dumpster, it will smell like Waffle House, minus the smelly drunks and cigarette smoke.

2. Bacon-scented charcoal underwear liners. Embarrassed by your odoriferous flatulence? Worried that your co-workers, in-laws, spouse or friends think you might have a problem with your bum? Wish you could release those middle-of-the-day, gut-busting emissions at work without fear of sending your co-workers for the fire exits? BaconButt peel-and-stick charcoal underwear liners filter your gas through 12 micro-thin layers of charcoal before reaching three layers of Ossian Farms bacon sent. Your co-workers won't mind you passing gas. In fact, they'll ask you chip off a few whenever you can so that they can all enjoy the eye-opening, morning fresh scent that only a pan of warm, sizzling bacon can bring.

1. Bacon flavored joy jelly. I don't want to get too graphic here, but think about how much more appealing your lover would be slathered in the smell and taste of farm fresh bacon. Breakfast will never be the same. It's great on toast, too!