Only the Towel Knows...

Recently, a photo of a pair of beach-goers went viral on this here interweb thingy. Many people immediately rushed to the conclusion that the photo in question was a risque photo. I, on the other hand, don't have a dirty mind, and failed to see what all of the hubbub was about.

Because the photo is viewed by some as having been dirty - and because I don't wish to offend you, dear reader - I am including a link to it rather than posting the actual picture into my blog. Click here if you please: Potentially Risque Photo 

(If you are concerned about clicking the link and possibly seeing something you don't wish to see, please allow me to don my former newspaperman's hat and set the scene for you. The photo in question depicts a young couple on a beach. The man is lying on his back in a beach chair, while the woman is face down in his lap with her head and part of his lap entirely covered by a white towel. There are other people nearby. The caption reads, "Because If There's a Towel You're Invisible").

Whether you've looked at the photo or you're just relying on my keen journalistic recounting of the picture, please allow me to offer some possible scenarios that could assuage the concerns of those of you with dirty minds.

Who's to say that there's anything untoward going on under that towel? I can think of a number of legitimate things that could be going on here, including (but not limited to):

1. The young lady shown here has gotten too much sun on her face and wants to get some sun on her backside. Because they only have one beach chair, they're making do like good scouts will do. She's shielding her head with the towel so that she can sleep.

2. The man has a raging boil "down there," which needs lanced. Rather than going up to their room and losing their premium beach spot, this young lady is lancing his John Thomas, and is blocking the action with a towel so as to not gross out their fellow beach frolickers.

3. Two words: misplaced keys.

4. Just prior to this photo being snapped, the young lady shown here was toweling her hair when she tripped on the floaty thingy and fell face-first into this sleeping man's lap.

5. This playful couple enjoys giving each other zerberts, and this male is currently receiving said playfully-natured zerbert.

6. The man shown here had been previously sunbathing on a nude beach, and inadvertently, got too much sun on his who-who-dilly. The woman here is vigilantly checking for sun poisoning.

7. After a rousing game of beach Twister, the male shown here has sand wedged in places best not discussed at the dinner table. The woman shown here is a nurse who has volunteered to free Willy from his sandy binds.

8. Three words: hide the Bishop. (The St. Tropez suntan lotion bottle. Sheesh. I swear, you kids and your hormones.)

9. "Hey, honey, will you check to see if those lesions are starting to heal up?"

10. They're posing for an exceptionally unusual Google Earth photo.

The Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers™

Author's Note: This column contains some mildly off-color language. If you are offended by colorful turns of phrase, I suggest you click elsewhere. Thank you. -The Management

So, I have what I think is quite possibly the greatest of the many great ideas I've had over my lifetime. You might find it hard to believe that I can select one great idea from the litany of great ideas I've had over the years. However, after reading this, I think you will agree that I've absolutely nailed it this time around.

My idea is this: I would like to create what I affectionately call The Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers™. Much like Manhattan Island in Escape from New York, I'd like to designate an island to which the Collective Braintrust (that's good folks like you and me) banishes people for whom we no longer have any use.

And no worries. We don't need to give up an island that many of us are using. While it made for great B-movie cinema, we don't need to uproot the good people of Manhattan for this either. We can choose a mostly unused island somewhere out in the middle of the Pacific, or the Atlantic. Heck, it can be in the middle of the Indian Ocean. I'm not picky.

Most any public figure is eligible, though I do think we need to apply our democratic principles to this whole thing. We're not animals after all.

I say if 10 million people all vote for your exile, then pack your bags and make your way to the helipad. If you don't go willingly, the newly formed Isle of PPP Thug Team will be forced to chase down, subdue and apprehend you. Trust me, you don't want our thug team to come a'knockin'.

However you make your way to the helipad, we'll then fly you over the island where you can either rappel or "jump" - your choice. Once on the island, you are free to do whatever you like so long as you do it there and keep it the hell away from the rest of the herd back on the mainland.

Of course, on the Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers, laws no longer exist (unless you consider rule of mob to be a governing principle). Once a month, we will air drop supplies (food, water purification tablets, medical supplies, loin clothes, sun screen, etc.) to those quarantined on the island. It should go without saying that we're not going to police the fair distribution of said supplies to all inhabitants on the island. Any sort of power regimes that arise there will simply be considered part of the isle's natural cultural evolution.

Excommunications to the isle are permanent and non-revocable. Several garrisons of mercenaries on Coast Guard-style cutters will be positioned around the isle, ready to thwart any escape attempts.

Without further ado, here is my Top 50 Shortlist of people I'd like to place on the ballot for exile, in no particular order:

Nominee	A Few Parting Words
1. Rush Limbaugh	I almost hate to exile Rush. Almost. Don't get me wrong. He's an awful human being by any reasonable standard. That said, Rush serves as a splendid litmus test for determining whether I want to be around a particular human. It works like this: Me: "You like Rush Limbaugh?" Potential new human friend: "Oh, yeah. Rush is awesome." Me: "Witch! Demon! Burn it with fire! It puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose." (Or something like that.)
2. Hillary Clinton	I would LOVE to see a female president. However, I'd rather wrangle a woodchuck into an armored limousine and elect it president than see Hillary elected to the Oval Office. I am an unapologetic progressive, Liberal, lefty, whatever you want to call me, but I am here to tell you, Ms. Clinton isn't the real deal. The real deal is Elizabeth Warren.
3. Justin Bieber	The Biebs is the face of no-talent teen beat stars who have no right to have been showered with the money and fame that they've received. Talented musicians everywhere have been ignored in favor of this classless, talentless little jerk. Andy Warhol just called to say your 15 minutes are up, Justin.
4. John Mayer	At one time, I was a huge fan of Mayer's. He is a tremendous guitar player when he wants to be. He could easily be the world's new Eric Clapton. Unfortunately, not only does he spend too much time trying to be a ridiculous pop star, but he's a monumental douchebag who's gone out of his way to disgust anyone with a modicum of dignity. Don't believe me? Read his Rolling Stone interview here. And let us not forget that he was a jerk to Jennifer Aniston. No one mistreats Jennifer and escapes my wrath. No one.
5.  Al Sharpton	I don't know whether I believe in reverse racism, but I do know an a**hole when I see one. Al, you've been stirring the pot rather than acting as an agent of peace. I am certainly no authority on Christianity, but I am pretty sure that you're not doing it right. We need leadership from those with public pulpits. What we don't need is Sharpton fanning the flames of social outrage that leads to violence. Shame on you, Al. I simply refuse to honor you with the title, "Reverend."
6. Nicolas Cage	Quite simply, Nicholas Cage is to acting what diarrhea is to a first date.
7. Tim Tebow	I have no problem with Tim's religious convictions. However, no one can use the word "God" in one five-minute interview 43 times and not be a fake. I'm simply not buying it. Also, despite what his supporters will tell you, he's not been ousted from the NFL because of his religion. He's out of the NFL because he's a terrible quarterback. He simply cannot play QB at the pro level. His one year of success was due to other parts of the team being successful, and he was the beneficiary of a weak AFC West division. His individual performance was abysmal. Sure, he can rally the troops, but so can the Broncos' chaps-sporting, horse-riding cheerleaders.
8. Paris Hilton	Make sure the extraction team wears latex gloves and handles her with giant salad tongs. Who knows where she's been. There's simply not enough Bactine in the world to stave off whatever you might catch after handling Ms. Paris improperly.
9. Donald Sterling	This foul excuse for a human being might be the standard bearer for old, white, racist men. He was absolutely fine with black men winning games for his Los Angeles Clippers, but not so much with his girlfriend being seen speaking with them. Being banned from the NBA wasn't enough. I say we give Don a one-way ticket to paradise. Don't worry, Don. Your advanced age and decrepit health will make your exile a short one.
10. Ray Lewis	Ray talks a good game now, but truth is, he helped murder two men in Atlanta. The extent of his involvement is unknown, but what we do know is that he was involved, and that because of his fame, he was allowed to skirt the prison sentence he so richly deserved. He then went on to a Hall of Fame football career, numerous accolades, millions of dollars, and a cushy position as an ESPN football analyst. Once on the island, maybe Ray will finally locate that missing bloody tuxedo he claims to have "lost" shortly after the murders.
11. Ted Nugent	I liked you better when you sang about wang dang, sweet poon..., well, you get the gist. Now, you're just an jerk in a loin cloth. You've made your last veiled threat to the president, and you've fondled your last gun, Ted. You talk a good game, Teddy - especially for being a draft dodging, lying sack of monkey sh*t. Too bad for you that your band of faux patriotism is what's destroying this country.
12. John Schnatter	Not only does your pizza suck, Papa John, but so do your politics. Threatening to raise prices if you're forced to pay your employees a livable wage just proves you have no soul. And stop dragging Peyton down with you. He's a good man and shouldn't lower himself to standing next to you while you shill for your poor excuse for pizza. And please, please, please, don't besmirch Joe Montana. The world needs Joe Montana.
13. Chad Kroeger	They say if you play Nickelback backward, you can hear demonic voices. Worse still, if you play Nickelback forward, you hear Nickelback. For the good of all, please spay or neuter the Nickelback fans in your life.
14. Phil Robertson	How anyone buys his line of pious bullsh*t is beyond me. He's a stupid, racist, homophobic redneck. I have no problem with his show. Duck Dynasty is not my cup of tea, but that's not why he's being nominated for exile. He's being nominated for his crass comments regarding homosexuals, blacks, and young women.
15. Jose Canseco	Canseco punched his ticket when he wrote his steroid tell-all - Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, though it was nice of him to stick around and give us the whole, I blew-my-finger-off-cleaning-my-damn-gun-and-had-it-sewed-back-on-only-to-have-it-fall-off-during-a-poker-game-making-me-a-poster-child-for-why-we-need-better-gun-control-laws business. Priceless.
16. Dick Cheney	He'll be our island's very own Bela Lugosi. He's a cruel, angry war criminal who will rival fellow isle resident Mitch McConnell for the coveted Most Disturbing in a Loin Cloth Award™.
17. Mel Gibson	It breaks my heard to send William Wallace to the isle, but his anti-Semitism has no place in a civilized society. You're a great actor, Mel. Too bad you're also an ugly-hearted creep. Please give me a moment while I shed a tear for the excommunication of the man who made Braveheart one of my top 10 favorite movies, like, ever. You may take our lives. But you'll never take our freedom! Sigh.
18. Vladimir Putin	Ol' Vlad might look good without a shirt and on horseback. Let's see how good he looks without a shirt and pants while trying to build a hut out of palm fronds.
19. Kim Kardashian, et al.	Why-oh-why does anyone - I mean, anyone - care what these no-talent bimbos do?
20. Mitch McConnell	Good ol' Mitch has stood in the way of progressive, reasonable legislation for far too long. Unfortunately, there's too many Teabillies in Kentucky who continue to vote for him. He's old and slow. He'll be easy to catch. We'll still have this video to watch in his absence. Trust me when I tell you this video is NSFW and maybe NSFH - Not Safe for Home. And I am pretty sure that once deported, Jon Stewart will continue doing his hilarious, Eeyore-inspired impressions of McConnell, so we're good there.
21. ISIS/ISIL/Terrorists	We'll take any proven ISIS/ISIL member or general terrorist we can get, dead or alive. Live ones make their trips to the island from 30,000 feet, without a parachute. By "proven," I mean "detained with probable cause, formally charged, and convicted of terrorism." They shall be given their day in court. If convicted, the sentence is deportation to the isle.
22. Donald Trump	You're fired, Donnie. However, before we "drop" you, we simply must see what's under that dead creature on your head. Then, we're going to donate your billions to hungry people around the country.
23. George W. Bush	While I fully support efforts to stop terrorism of any stripe, Bush used the 9/11 tragedy to embroil the U.S. in two wars that have led to thousands of our sons and daughters coming home in boxes. And if anyone can point out any good that has come from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, I am all ears. And don't tell me that we got Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Sure, we knocked off these two bad guys, but has anything changed for the better? No. New terrorists have just replaced the old ones. It's time to put an end to this madness and focus on fixing problems at home.
24. David Green (Hobby Lobby)	You opened Pandora's Box with your lawsuit. Now go away while we clean up your mess. I respect your religion, but it's purely criminal for you to impose your religious convictions upon the healthcare of others. Women have rights to their own bodies, and you don't get to participate in that decision or in their ability to make that decision.
25. Wayne LaPierre	Thanks largely in part to you, Wayne, any reasonable effort at common sense gun ownership has been blocked by the NRA. I am a gun owner, but I would be ashamed to be an NRA member. How many school shootings do we need to suffer? How many accidental deaths do we need to suffer? How many more gun murders? Suicides? Enjoy your time on the island. Guns aren't allowed, by the way.
26. Ann Coulter	The female edition of Iggy Pop has used up her civilization privileges. She's done much to spread a hate-filled political agenda, and maybe even more to efforts at gender equality. How any woman buys her line of crap is beyond me.
27. Adrian Peterson	We can hope he finds out what it's like to be beaten with a tree branch while he's a guest on the isle. Anyone who abuses children gets a one-way ticket to the isle, so far as I am concerned.
28. Roger Goodell	You're quick on the punishment trigger for a game-day sock violation, but a player is caught on video cold-cocking a woman and he gets a two-game suspension? You only tried to do what's right when you were caught. Enjoy that grass skirt.
29. Ryan Braun	Milwaukee Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun swings a big bat. He's also a liar and a scumbag who vehemently denied using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) getting a lab employee unjustly fired in the process. Shortly thereafter, he tested positive for PEDs. I understand the desire to be the best at what you do, but I don't condone cheating.
30. Bill O'Reilly	Bill is the very epitome of angry, old white man. Soon, he'll just be a scared, slow, old white man hiding in the jungle.
31. Bill Cosby	Rudy Huxtable's daddy is a rapist. My childhood is forfeit. I had so much respect for you, Bill. If exile to our isle is anything like prison is for rapists, something tells me you're not going to last long.
32. Kim Jong-Un	I think this ridiculous excuse of a human has been giving the rest of the herd the stink-eye for long enough, don't you agree? The isle now his its very own village idiot.
33. Pat Robertson	Pat has done more to push me - and millions of others, I expect - away from organized religion than perhaps anyone. His controversies are so numerous that he has a sizable Wikipedia entry devoted to his lunacy. I only wish I had a Wikipedia entry half that long devoted to my brilliance.
34. Scott Stapp	Scott Stapp, Creed frontman turned future presidential assassin hopeful, punched his own ticket years ago for, among other things, being the Creed frontman. That said, Stapp now thinks he's a CIA spook charged with killing President Obama. Buh-bye, Scott. Go pedal crazy somewheres else. We're all stocked up here.
35. The Koch Brothers (Charles G. Koch and David H. Koch )	The Koch brothers might be able to buy Congressmen, elections, and laws that benefit their evil empire, but even they can't buy their way out of their fate. <insert evil laugh here> Of course, we need our lawyers to make sure that the Koch Brothers don't own the island we want to designate as the Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers. Although, wouldn't it be funny to purchase the island from the Kochs and then exile them to it?
36. Daniel Snyder	Renaming the Redskins would've been much easier, Dan. Hope you like loin cloths. Once Dan is gone, we'll find a new owner who won't insist on continuing to use a racial epithet as a team name. Haven't we already done enough to the Native American people? Perhaps the original usage of "Redskins" as the team name was not intended to be a racial slur, but the term "Redskin" is a dictionary-defined and insulting term that needs to be dropped from our lexicon, right along with the racism that still infects many in this country. Making matters worse is that Washington Redskins franchise and the NFL are making millions via the usage of a foul term used to describe the original inhabitants of this land - people from whom we stole everything - their property, their lives and their liberty. Change it already.
37. Ted Cruz	Your mission in life has never been to make the world a better place. Your mission was simply to oppose anything and everything proposed by Democrats. You are the problem, Ted. Well, you were until we tackled, hog-tied and stuffed you into a chopper. Now you're just another misfit politician stranded on a desert isle trying to figure out how to make a loin cloth out of a palm leaf. Good luck with that!
38. David Duke	Former Grand Wizard of the Ku-Klux-Klan and general asshat David Duke is a cruel, racist, anti-Semite piece of white trash. The The Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers Thug Tean™ will be sure to rough Duke up a bit before dropping him from the chopper.
39. Kobe Bryant	Rapist. Cocky. Ball Hog. Lakers. Wearer of purple. (Purple is the color of evil sports teams. See Lakers, Vikings, Ravens.) I think we can all agree that he needs to go.
40. Ben Roethlisberger	His money, influence and ability to fling the pigskin a country mile helped him avoid prison after sexually assaulting two women, but he shall not escape the wrath of the isle. If he was anyone else, he'd be in prison right now getting introduced to someone else named "Big Ben."
41. The Entire FOX "News" Team	Don't worry. They won't blame us. It's all Obama's fault, remember? Now they can go off and scream themselves hoarse about Benghazi all they like..Well, that is until they make fellow isle inhabitant Ray Lewis angry. Trust me, you don't want to make Ray angry. You won't like Ray when he's angry.
42. Glenn Beck	Glenn is a loudmouthed hack who's gotten way too much attention. He's one of the major reasons there's such a deep political divide in our country.
43. Sarah Palin	Simply put, Sarah is about as smart as a sack of hammers. Caribou Barbie can now keep an eye on Japan for us now that she and her diminutive IQ are now stranded on a desert isle somewhere in the South Pacific.
44. Ray Rice	We don't stand for domestic violence in these here parts (meaning the civilized universe). We don't care how many millions of dollars you have or how many touchdowns you can score. And don't think I didn't notice that I have nominated two football players named "Ray" - both of them who played for the Baltimore Ravens. Coincidence? I think not.
45. The Walton Family	No, not these Waltons: I am referring to those other Waltons who exemplify everything that is wrong with corporate America. I am betting once they're digging sand out of their cracks, that teensy hit they'd have taken by paying their workers a livable wage won't seem so bad after all. And besides, walking into your average Wal Mart is not all that unlike walking into the Star Wars cantina (better known to Star Wars aficionados as the Mos Eisley Cantina).
46. Jonathan Gruber	I am in full-throated support of equal healthcare for all (single-payer, socialized medicine, whatever you want to call it) but Gruber made a mockery of the first real attempt to help millions of people who are denied healthcare simply because they are poor. Who's the idiot now, Johnny?
47. Sean Hannity	Sean fails miserably at putting a good face on 'Murica and 'Muricans. Putting a spit shine on that meme can't be done, Sean. And yes, I realize that Sean is technically being included twice since I previously nominated the entire FAUX News team, but I believe in being thorough. Sean simply must go. No one goes on live television and defends the assault of a child (see Adrian Peterson) and escapes the isle's wrath.
48. Joe Biden	While I think ol' Joe Biden would be one helluva a fun guy with whom to split a case of PBR, he's not the kind of guy I want anywhere near the White House. And for the love of God, don't give this man the launch codes. A dozen or so vodkas is all it would take to break him. As much as I want to see another Democrat in the White House, I think I'd rather have Ted Cruz manning the show. I cannot believe I just typed that out loud. Seriously, I am verschimmelt...so much so that I'm speaking Yiddish.
49. Kanye West	Kanye is a douche canoe. He gives douchebags everywhere a bad name. He's crass, petulant and devoid of any real talent.
50. Michael Vick	I know he served his time and allegedly is sorry about his crimes, but as a unabashed lover of dogs, I simply cannot forgive Vick for his cruel treatment of dogs. The fact that he went back to a millionaire's lifestyle and professional football after serving his time is just proof that the rules aren't the same for celebrities. His exile to the isle won't fix the country's ills, but it will make my dog, Peter Franklin Kughen, happy. He helped edit this article (some of the more snarky commentary is his; he has something of a potty mouth) and he insisted that Vick go bye-bye.

I am pretty sure that I can get 10 million votes for each of the aforementioned folks without spending a dime of campaign money. Of course, I'm going to need investors to pay for helicopters, pilots, fuel, monthly supply drops, a strike team for apprehending future isle inhabitants, and so on.Who's in?

Author's note: The creators of said Isle of Misfit Public People, Politicians and Performers (as well as those in my posse - oh yes, I have a posse) are not subject to being voted onto the island.