Bacon - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore...

Bacon in the Wild

In honor of International Bacon Day tomorrow, I give you my Top 10 bacon-inspired products the world needs to have soon. Patents are pending, so don't even think about trying to Bogart these ideas for yourself:

10. Bacon-scented pepper spray. It still packs a punch, but leaves the satisfying taste of thick cut, smoked bacon that lingers well after your eyeballs have melted from your skull.

9. Bacon mousse. Not the kind you eat; the kind I used in the 80s to control my big hair. A gentle bacon scent would be a natural attractant and the added bacon grease would give you that Jheri Curl sheen.

8. Bacon-flavored toothpaste. Dentists say many adults, particularly men, do not brush long enough to effectively ward off cavities. Think of how much more enjoyable scrubbing those pearly whites would be if you got a hit of hickory smoked pig belly for your trouble.

7. Bacon-scented catalytic converter. As you motor heads know, a catalytic converter is a vehicle emissions control device that converts toxic byproducts of combustion in the exhaust of vehicle motors to less toxic substances. So, why not add the eye-opening scent of fresh cooked bacon. Instead of smelling like armpits, our urban areas would all smell like Bob Evans.

6. Bacon bug repellent. It's a proven fact that mosquitoes and other stinging insects hate the smell of bacon (and if it's not previously proven, it is now). Hormel's 100% DEET, Maple-Cured Bacon Repellent would be a welcome addition to any Canadian fishing or hunting expedition.

5. Bacon lozenges. Have a cold? Throat feeling scratchy? Reach for Hall's Thick Cut, Pepper Bacon lozenges to take the sting out of that sore throat and leave you with the "everything's gonna be alright" feeling that only dead, fried pig fat can give you.

4. Bacon lip gloss. Let's face it ladies, sometimes it's hard to get your man to take notice of you, especially during football season. You change your hair, cook his favorite food, and even wear undergarments containing lesson cotton found on a Q-Tip. And yet, he still doesn't seem to notice you. Apply a little Emge's BaconBelly LipSmacker and lay one on your man. The smell of morning fresh bacon sizzling in a cast iron pan will bring him back again and again. Item #1 below is the perfect complement.

3. Bacon scented morning breath eliminator. Worried that your morning breath could stun a team of oxen in its tracks? Feeling randy at sun up, but don't want to subject your lover to your dragon breath? Keep a discrete canister of BaconBlast in your nightstand or under your pillow. One tiny spray and you'll vanquish that chronic halitosis. Instead of your breath smelling like the inside of of a dumpster, it will smell like Waffle House, minus the smelly drunks and cigarette smoke.

2. Bacon-scented charcoal underwear liners. Embarrassed by your odoriferous flatulence? Worried that your co-workers, in-laws, spouse or friends think you might have a problem with your bum? Wish you could release those middle-of-the-day, gut-busting emissions at work without fear of sending your co-workers for the fire exits? BaconButt peel-and-stick charcoal underwear liners filter your gas through 12 micro-thin layers of charcoal before reaching three layers of Ossian Farms bacon sent. Your co-workers won't mind you passing gas. In fact, they'll ask you chip off a few whenever you can so that they can all enjoy the eye-opening, morning fresh scent that only a pan of warm, sizzling bacon can bring.

1. Bacon flavored joy jelly. I don't want to get too graphic here, but think about how much more appealing your lover would be slathered in the smell and taste of farm fresh bacon. Breakfast will never be the same. It's great on toast, too!

Top 10 Reasons the Aliens Ignore Us

Humans have long looked the stars above them and wondered, are we alone? Is there life on other planets? Why don't the aliens visit our meager planet and bestow us with the gifts of their technologies? Like hyperspace. Teleportation. The ability to vaporize entire planets. You know, that kind of thing.

Problem is, I think the aliens are out there and they are are flying by us every day, barely giving us a second glance. Why, you ask?

Well, dear reader, the answer is simple: it's us. We're the reason that the green, 14-eyed, 2-horned aliens fly right past or tiny blue world.

You see, I've long believed that until we reach a higher level of intelligence, the aliens will eschew us for more enlightened people on the other side of the galaxy. They've given us plenty of chances, abducted a few of the more intelligent among us (I speak from experience) and concluded that as a species, humans just aren't advanced enough to handle their wicked cool technologies.

A typical alien

However, all hope is not lost. The aliens still check in from time to time to see if we have evolved enough to warrant a further look.

After much research and deep thought, I have formulated what I believe to be the top 10 reasons why the aliens continue to give us the stink-eye:

10. Justin Bieber. He has to go.
9. They find Dennis Rodman unnerving and until he's gone, they'll just keep their distance.
8. Republicans (oh, come on, it's a joke!)
7. Miley Cyrus is actually being paid to do...well...anything.
6. We haven't had Hillary Clinton put to sleep yet. (See, I can be bi-partisan.)
5. There are still people who consider rap music to be an art form. In addition to being flat awful, rap music disrupts the aliens' tractor beam technology.
4. Too many humans have IQs lower than their body temperatures.
3. 'Mericuns...
2. The collective average trouser height of humans across the globe remains too low thanks to millions of juvenile delinquents who wear their pants around their knees.
1.Milton Poon Farner of Queens, NY. Little do most people know, but Milton's anti-alien maneuvers - including covering everything he owns in tinfoil and playing polkas on his oboe at all hours of the night - have kept our alien friends at bay for decades (it's a known fact that aliens are powerless against tinfoil, especially in large quantities). Some call Milton a hero. Not me. No sir.

So there you have it. Truthfully speaking, these are just a handful of the reasons that the aliens hold us in so little regard. There are many more reasons we don't get invited to play their alien games. I  just don't want to overwhelm you (see #4) with too much. For now, let's just work on these 10 items and see where we end up. Okay?

How to go Fishing

My four-year-old son, Eric, and I have been doing a lot of fishing this summer. On one recent fishing trip, he had this to say about how fishing is done:

1. You get some red wigglers.
2. You pick out good-looking red wiggler.
3. You put it on a hook.
4. You throw it WAY out there.
5. You catch the fish.
6. You give the fish a name.
7. You throw it back. If you don't throw it back, it goes "uh-uh-uh" and dies.

Pretty much sums it up, don't you think? Of course, those of you who know me well, know that I name each and every fish I catch. Eric's fish-naming proclivity is proof that the proverbial apple does not fall far from the equally proverbial tree.

You Can't Beat His Meat...

After reading this article, I felt that someone needed to tell the rest of the story...

ALIQUIPPA, Pa. - "She can't beat my meat!" shouted William Neugebauer as he was led out of a packed western Pennsylvania courthouse.

The 51-year-old Neugebauer was convicted Friday of a class B felony count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, and a class D felony recklessness endangerment charge. A public drunkenness charge was dismissed.

Neugebauer was arrested August 9, 2013, several hours after police say he bludgeoned his 50-year-old wife, Wendy Neugebauer, with his frigid meat.

Police say Wendy Neugebauer was struck repeatedly about the rib cage area by an enraged William Neugebauer who was wielding his frozen meat like a cudgel.

William told the court that struck his wife because she insisted on trying to beat his meat, despite repeated requests that she keep her hands to herself.

Said Wendy Neugebauer, "When we were first hitched, Billy used to unwrap his meat whenever we were together, and I would beat it silly. We were so in love."

Wendy said William had gotten extremely protective of his meat in recent years.

Wendy says his over protective nature when it comes to his meat stems from an unfortunate 2007 incident in which Wendy ground William's meat a little too coarsely.

"Since then," said a tearful Wendy Neugebauer, "his meat has been a frigid as a well-digger's ass in November."

Police said on the day she was assaulted, a horny Wendy Neugebauer allegedly tried to unwrap William's meat while he was sleeping.

When William awake, he allegedly pummeled his wife of 28 years while repeatedly yelling, "You can't beat my meat!"

Said one shocked juror who asked not to be identified, "This was one of the most horrific cases of meat beating I've ever heard of."

William Neugebauer faces 8-20 years on the felony assault charge, and up to four years on the reckless endangerment charge.

Superior Court 3 Judge Richard C. Poon set sentencing for 11 a.m. October 5.

In the time since the flogging incident, Wendy Neugebauer has recovered from her injuries, save for a wicked case of freezer burn.

"It just hurts, you know," said Wendy Neugebauer as a single tear trailed down her cheek. "On cold mornings, I can still feel my sides burning from the cold. I may never eat - or beat -meat again."